When I first watched the video, I recall being in fear for the security team chasing the mad boy running across the field during the Phillies and Cardinals game Monday night. The 17-year-old Phillies fan hopped the fence at Citizens Bank Park and made a mad dash across center field, waving what at first appeared to be a bomb, but a closer look revealed it was actually a shirt.

But what kind of shirt? That is the real question.

It could have been an SMD (shirt of mass destruction).

In a heroic and self-sacrificing act of courage, one security guard, with no regard for his own safety, tased the teen terrorist in the back, sending the crazed teen into a pretty decent head-first slide.

Guards would then disarm the shirt with seconds to spare (after a brief and panicked discussion on whether to cut the green wire or the red wire) and all the fans would be saved. Nicolas Cage is already in talks to play the security guard in the upcoming movie based on these real life events.

Sure, I could tase teens all day. I would even like to pack a lunch and make a day out of it at the park. I don’t because it’s not really a good thing to do, even though they’re not too bright sometimes.

Fans running on the field is as old as sports. In ancient Greece, fans would run onto the field all of the time. Olympic security would then stab them in the face. Probably. So, let’s give park security a little credit for not doing it the way it used to be done. Being tasered is way better than being stabbed in the face.

My point is, this is an old problem. It happens all of the time, right? I think it’s time we address this problem in a 2010 way. Sending thousands of volts through someone, while enjoyable, can at times be a little excessive. With the advances in technology and all we’ve learned, there has to be a better way. And there is. I think I’ve cracked the code, people. Sit down, because once I lay down my revolutionary idea, you’re going to be amazed and celebrate our ingenuity as a species.

I call it “pretty fast guy”. The beauty is, they can be found anywhere. For example, my own 19-year-old son would have ended in three seconds what it took six men and a taser almost a minute to do. “Pretty fast guy”, while seemingly a technical marvel, is quite common and, in many cases, needing dollar bills to trade for sustenance.

You might think I’m crazy, but I think my idea will work. Can you imagine having two of them? It would be like I-Robot, but more interesting. Here’s how you buy them: Pop on Craigslist or any job site, cut and paste the following in what we call an “advertisement”.

Pretty fast guy wanted. Should be under 50 and not appear to have been intravenously fed bacon grease for the last ten years. This person must be able to run faster than someone jogging in circles. This person must have arms.

Ehh? It’s actually a trap. You call it a “job” and a bunch of people show up. Then, for about $50.00 a piece, they’ll stand on the field and wait to chase people. Did I mention that I will do this for $50.00? Or nothing? Come to think of it, I’m pretty fast. And I like tackling people. How do I apply?

Source

View Original Post at draftdaysuit.com

• Filed Under:  
• Baseball, Sports, SportsPLUS, Fans

• Tags:
• cardinals
• Baseball
• Phillies
• Citizens Bank Park
• Teen tased
• Teen Tased at Phillies game