Ahhh yeahhh… another season, another year of me wondering what in hell is happening to my team on Sunday, no matter where I am. More waking up at 2:00 am in a cold sweat, recalling the exact moment Reggie Wayne took one step backwards, resulting in a loss by .01. Or that time Patrick Crayton swatted away the perfectly thrown, meatball of a td pass from Romo that would have resulted in me advancing to the championship. It’s not volleyball, Pat. Can I call you Pat? Too bad.

I’m a silly man. A silly, silly man. The amount of joy or sadness I derive from this game is… dumb. The happiness I feel when a waiver wire acquisition becomes a performer (thank you, Miles Austin) is… a little immature. But I love it.

Last year, I missed the draft and spent the rest of the year scrambling for players. I can’t recall the exact players the autodraft gave me, but I’m pretty sure one of them was Curtis Martin and I think my quarterback was Fran Tarkenton. Like I said, I can’t recall and it really doesn’t matter because I never keep anyone I draft. Despite my poor luck, I fought my way to the league championship (thank you, Miles Austin).

This year, I haven’t done the first bit of research. I’m dreading it, actually. Because I know once I dig in, I’ll become a frothing lunatic. My friends say, “you should just do it casually.” What they might as well be saying is, “Crystal meth is fine if you do it in moderation.” With me, there is no “casual” or “moderation.” A great man once said, “Karate is either do or no do.” That’s me and fantasy football. I have a problem.

For the next several weeks, this is what I will be doing. It’s what I’ll be writing about here and if you’re looking for fantasy football advice, that’s exactly what you’ll get here. I didn’t say it was good advice, I just said it was advice. (Actually, my obsession with this usually puts me in the championship or close, so you might pick up some good info, emphasis on “some.”)

So let’s start out simply. Who’s going to be my first pick?

Well, I always draft a running back first, and never the most obvious. Then I spend the rest of the year trying to replace him, but here are some guys at the top of my list:

1. Chris Johnson – Titans

2. Adrian Peterson – Vikings

3. Michael Turner – My Falcons

4. DeAngelo Williams – Panthers

5. Maurice Jones-Drew – Jaguars

6. Frank Gore – 49ers

7. Cedric Benson – Bengals

8. Ray Rice – Ravens

9. Ryan Grant – Packers

10. Shonn Greene – Jets (Look for Shonn to be in the top five by mid-season, maybe sooner.)

Most of the guys above are the unquestioned man. The others are so good, it doesn’t matter. I’d put Knowshon Moreno (Denver) at number 11 followed by Ryan Matthews (San Diego) at 12, even though he’s totally unproven. Here’s some problems I have with the others:

Pierre Thomas is not in my top ten because a) Drew Brees b) Reggie Bush c) Mike Bell. And Reggie Bush wouldn’t be there, but he’s a good flex if you need one. What happened to the good old days when an entire team depended on the health of one guy and he played no matter what (like the kneeless and always questionable Brian Westbrook)?

Can someone please explain to me why Brandon Jacobs isn’t scoring 50 tds a year? He’s massive, elusive and never gets the ball on the goal line. It’s a little maddening. Ahmad Bradshaw kicks ass, but who knows what’s going on here? I’m staying away from this mess, but if I had to choose one, I’d probably pick Bradshaw because Jacobs’ bones seem to be made of uncooked pasta.

Jonathan Stewart (Panthers) is a stud. He could start on any team, his only problem is, DeAngelo Williams is studdier. If you get DeAngelo, you should get Stewart but he’ll go high. Having both is the ultimate insurance, and you can even play both. The price is a bye week pain in the ass and missing out on another high ranking player. It might be worth it to lock up the Panthers running game. These are guys I’d have no problem starting together.

Felix Jones (Cowboys) is greased lightning, but Tashard Choice is someone to watch and Marion the Barbarian still resides in Dallas. Jones could have some monster performances, but he’ll probably have to score from outside the ten if he wants to frequently see the endzone. I predict Jones will be inconsistent.

Beanie Wells (Cardinals) is awesome, but Hightower is there and producing, despite how much better Wells is. They’ll run the ball more now that Warner is out of the picture and I believe that Wells will emerge as the guy, but I thought that last year. Wells’ greasy fingers gave Hightower the opportunity to also fumble, leaving the coaching staff confused and splitting carries, figuring there was pretty much no difference. Plus, Hightower has shown to be a great receiver out of the backfield, and we’ll probably see a good bit of that this year. Wells has greater upside and could be one of the league’s top backs, but as long as Hightower performs, why would he not play?

Darren McFadden might have a breakout year this year. He might also have a bone break out of his leg. Plus, all Michael Bush does is move the ball forward. Throw in the fact they both play in Oakland and I don’t know what more information you’re looking for.

The only reason Joseph Addai (Colts) did as well as he did last year was Donald Brown was injured for five games and Peyton Manning is the man and he should have my babies. Or I’ll have his. I don’t know and don’t care, he can choose. Of course, Donald Brown could always get hurt again and Addai will score some tds when Peyton doesn’t feel like throwing it to Clark or Wayne from the one yard line (or he’s pregnant with my babies).

Fred Jackson is looking like the man in Buffalo, while Lynch is likely to take a backseat. Or will Lynch get all, “No way, man!” and steal the job back with a couple of solid performances. If I draft Fred Jackson, it’s a guarantee that Lynch will take his job back.

Steven Jackson always does way better in setting his yardage goals than he actually does in achieving them.

Matt Forte’? Ehhh… I won’t be looking for him, but you could do much worse.

LeSean McCoy… he’s intriguing, but until we see what a McNabless Eagles looks like, I’m not buying. Plus, Weaver will probably get the goal line carries.

Jamaal Charles could be a top ten, but Thomas Jones will eat into his carries. That’s also why Shonn Greene is in the top ten and Charles isn’t. Plus, Greene looked fantastic last year. The only reason he’s got the ten-spot is he’s unproven as an every down guy, but I think he’s more than up to the task. Leon Washington is hurt so he’ll have to be.

Ricky Williams? Ronnie Brown? It wasn’t long ago that Brown was a MONSTER (when he’s not broken, which is a lot). If he were to become so again ( a MONSTER and not broken), Ricky Williams will touch the ball less. Last year it was Ricky, will it be again? I don’t think we’re going to know and more importantly, I don’t think anyone in Miami knows. Obviously, you take Williams if that’s your choice, but don’t be surprised if Brown quickly makes a major dent in Williams’ carries. Remember, Williams was drafted by Mike Ditka. I think I was still a virgin then. (More than five years ago, right?)

Others to watch are Steve Slaton (yawn) and rookie Ben Tate in Houston, Justin Forsett and Julius Jones (whatever) in Seattle, and Jerome Harrison in Cleveland (I’d simply stay way from anyone Cleveland because of the whole LeBron thing. They are cursed. Think about it. When was the last time you hoisted a fantasy football trophy and said, “Thank you, Cleveland Browns.” Sorry Cleveland. I am rooting for you in every way.) You have Kevin Faulk, Sammy Morris, Laurence Maroney, oh my. Then Rashard Mendenhall and Mewelde Moore, oi vei. Cadillac Williams? I’ll give him that he’s had all the reliability of a ‘78 Coupe De Ville I once owned. Kevin Smith? The only problem I have with Smith is his entire team (Lions), and Maurice Morris historically screws up other people’s careers. It’s in his genes. Also, the Lions drafted Jahvid Best and they will look to get him involved quickly. Darren Sproles is too tiny (he could still kill me with his finger, but in NFL land, he’s just a little too small to be the man and Ryan Matthews figures to take the lead role). I’d grab Chester Taylor before I’d grab a second kicker (or even a first one but they make me take one). I also wouldn’t trust Clinton Portis as far as I could throw him (which is not nearly as far as he can throw me.)

That’s about it. I’ve left out some guys, but if I left them out, I did so for a reason (because I’m high.)

Did I cover it all? I hope so and also hope you’ve extracted some good info from this (or that I really confused you.) I strive to provide all the information without looking anything up, which is probably why a lot of the guys I mentioned don’t even play for those teams anymore. Just kidding, I’m sure most of them still do. Just make sure you look stuff up to confirm that I’m giving you the correct info. It’s not that hard. It’s the internet. Don’t be a baby about it.

Oh, I’m also probably wrong about most of this, so don’t do what I do when a sports writer gives me bad advice, which is go comment on his next post about what a waste of space he/she is and how he/she doesn’t know anything and he/she should die in a fiery plane crash like Buddy Holly (RIP, Buddy.) Seriously. I’ll just turn it off (cry.)

Good luck, kids! (Unless you’re in my league.)

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