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I love it. But I hate it more than I love it, and I love it a lot. You see, I have a problem. Every year, I tell myself I’m not going to get wrapped up in fantasy football and every year I’m drooling on my stat tracker, punching the air and yelling at random passers by.

Fantasy football has cost me friendships, and it’s not just because I am mean as a snake on a post board. Actually, that’s the biggest reason. I mean, what started as good natured ribbing eventually graduated into an old buddy of mine telling me that he overheard my mom telling his mom that I saw my dad blow a guy, which I’m POSITIVE I would have remembered. I, in turn, told a story about an odd mano y mano experience he had in an adult theater on his 18th birthday… bla to the bla… we haven’t spoken since. My point is, fantasy football brings out the best in me and I was going to do my best to avoid it. And then it came…

The main league I’d been in was starting again, but without my gay friend (not that there’s anything wrong with that). He’s been gone for a few years now. (I had him banished. It was awesome. ) Anyway, my other buddy (aka “The Commish”) is also an uncaring asshole, and due to yet another policy change that didn’t favor me, I yelled at him and quit, probably more in an act of self-sabotage. I knew I couldn’t take another year of this. It was then I would vow that I was done with fantasy football. What Tony Romo did on Sunday would never again affect my mood.

A day before the season began, I started to twitch uncontrollably. Every time I flipped on ESPN all I could think was, “That guy should be playing for MayoPie,” or “you suck, Tony Romo” and so forth. I was beginning to froth at the mouth, I was going to start a league, I tried to join the Draft Day Suit league at the last minute… it was pathetic. I was ready to blow someone, basically, if only I could get my fix, thereby lending credibility to my former friend’s theory about Pops.

Where I ended up is in a 12 team match up league on Foxsports.com, and it’s working well for me for 2 reasons:

1. I don’t feel comfortable enough with any of these strangers to do an in depth and public analysis of their mothers’ rectums. My gay friend (nttawwt) had an entire series of investigative reports of his mother’s anus direct from Geraldo Rivera, a team of native tribesmen (it’s important to employ some local knowledge) and a tracker. It was a good time and 9 out of 10 guys LOVED it.

If you haven’t noticed, I can be a little snarky, so when you throw in some football and some competition amongst friends who had been verbally defiling each other’s mothers for years, it only gets worse and only leads to well, no one ever talking to me again. So, it’s probably a good thing that I don’t know anyone in my new league.

2. I can get obsessive about picking up and dropping people. I probably do about 150 moves per season, but somehow seem to work my way to the top. After missing the draft last year and Yahoo! drafting me seven kickers and Curtis Martin, I had to build my entire team (outside of Aaron Rodgers) from scratch. I made it to the championship where I was beaten by an asshole (all you have to do to be an “asshole” is beat me, fyi).

Anyway, my new league only processes claims once a week and everything is done by waiver priority. What I would normally do is pick up someone’s replacement as soon as I saw them wince in pain. Now, I have to wait four months or something. This makes me want to punch everything at least twice, but… it’s a good thing. EXCEPT I CAN’T GET MY HANDS ON ANYONE…. AGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

So, I’ve decided to channel all of this angst into giving you bad information. You see, I can’t pick up people, I can’t make fun of people’s moms… it’s like I’ve committed myself to fantasy rehab and I’m being given a substitute so I don’t throw up every hour.

It must be working, because I was in a tight game Monday night and normally I would have had my computer on my lap answering questions I didn’t hear with “uh huh”, my eyes darting back and forth from the computer to the television, all while yelling at Drew Brees for being awesome. (You see, because it takes me 7 years to pick up someone now, I was stuck with San Fran’s defense against the Saints, and because I played YOUNG OVER VICK I LOST BY 8 INSTEAD OF WINNING BY 20 AGGGHHHH…)

Ordinarily, a loss that was a result of one of my poor choices would wake me up at 2 am punching the air (an effective frustration outlet technique I learned in Brazil), but I didn’t even check my computer until the next morning. I had accepted the loss, and no air had to needlessly suffer that day. I think I’m making progress.

Most of the players I’ve listed below would usually end up on my team for a week before being tossed aside like the green leafy stuff they try to slip on to my hamburgers, but there’s one in here that will likely pay dividends. Last year, my jewels were Miles Austin and Rashard Mendenhall, which helped me get to the championship and be defeated by that asshole I mentioned earlier.

Jacoby Jones – WR Houston Texans

He only got 53 yards out of the 497 that Schaub threw for on Sunday, but one was a td. And though Walter is the clear #2, there are a couple of things you can set your watch to: Big Ben (the clock, not the rap… per) and Kevin Walter’s inconsistency. Jones might continue to deliver as a #3 as he gets more familiar with the offense and Schaub gets more comfortable with him, but it’s coming. Also, if Walter gets hurt, Jones can have a breakout season. (If Walter is available on your league, 11 catches for 144 yards and a td against Washington should entice you to grab him.)

Demariyus Thomas – WR Denver Brocos

Thomas had a nice day on Sunday, snatching 8 passes for 97 yards and a touchdown in his NFL debut. Thomas is a rookie, a monster and ready to fill the void left by Brandon Marshall. He’s big, he’s fast and was drafted two spots ahead of the Cowboys’ Dez Bryant. An off-season injury kept him out of preseason and Thomas flew out of the gates living up to his coach’s expectations, which are apparently pretty high. Thomas could be the pick up of the year and if you’ve got someone on your roster like… Deion Branch … let him go, man. Just let him go.

Mike Tolbert – RB San Diego Chargers

Rookie sensation Ryan Mathews left the game on a cart, and Tolbert picked up 82 yards on 16 carries and scored two td’s. He’s not going to unseat Mathews for the starting gig and Mathews did jog to the bench late in the game, but ankle injuries are funny. Not Will Ferrel funny, more Carrot Top funny. My point is, Mathews is unproven and nothing is more common than a hot prospect that didn’t live up to expectations in his rookie year. In fact, more don’t than do. I’m not saying Mathews won’t be great, I’m saying he’s not great yet and injuries might become an issue. Having his handcuff won’t kill you if you’ve got the space.

Jason Snelling – RB Falcons

Turner left the game with a groin injury and Snelling showed that he can carry both teams on his back. Turner was on his way to a monster game and Snelling finished it with two running scores and a reception td, making me angry BECAUSE I HAVE TURNER. AGHHHHH!!! As suspected, Porcelain Norwood would break something early, so Snelling was inevitably going to be a larger part of the offense. Now, he’s certainly going to be. He’s not an enigma. He’s a hard, shifty runner and he’s built like a Mack truck, and I’m talking the ones with the sweet little apartment on the back (I’ve always wanted one of those). Regardless of Turner’s health, look for Snelling to get a larger share and a good bit of work at the goal line. (AAAGHHHH!!!)

Buffalo Bills – Entire team

Trade as many as you can to Buffalo fans or just drop them. I threw for more passing yards than Trent Edwards did on Sunday.

Mike Williams – WR Buccaneers

I grew up in Tampa and was a life-long Bucs fan right up until they won the Super Bowl. I finally had it with them, adopted the Falcons as my new love and then Bam! Bucs win the Super Bowl. What I’m trying to say is that I hate them to my core. That being said, if you must have a Buc on your team, Mike Williams might be an intriguing option. While Freeman isn’t piling up the passing yards, Williams scored for the second straight week and as Freeman becomes more comfortable, Williams might emerge as the team’s top threat, making me hate him.

Mike Vick – QB? Philadelphia Eagles

Mike Vick ripped out my heart and danced on it. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he did. Whatever. He’s here now and the fact is, he can make throws that Kolb can’t make. He can run like DeShaun Jackson. He might be the most dynamic football player we’ve ever seen. Kevin Kolb, while solid, is not the most dynamic football player we’ve ever seen. He’s not even the most dynamic football player we’ve seen at Wal-Mart. I know that Kolb is “officially” the starter, but the Philadelphia fans were never more than a bad throw away from running McNabb out of town and Kolb’s now got a shorter leash on him than Hannibal Lecter at a nudist butter bath. I’d say he’s three consecutive bad passes away from the fans chanting “Vick” and Andy Reid being put on a rotisserie with an apple in his mouth. I hate it, but it’s true. The almighty win is all that matters in Philadephia, the NFL and fantasy football.

This Just In: Mike Vick named starter. It’s as if Andy got an opportunity to read this before it was published or at least came to same the conclusion I did about the whole rotisserie thing. So, Vick’s value as a fantasy start has just skyrocketed. If you have no soul, grab him.

I picked up Mike Vick to put on my bench. I wanted him out of my league. A non-factor. And I certainly wasn’t going to let anyone else beat me with him. NO. WAY. Then Vince Young got pulled out of the game for sucking and netted me -2.2 points. Now Vick might be my only option. I could drop him or trade him, but that leaves the problem of someone else getting him and beating me with him. I couldn’t take that. So, I’ve decided that Mike Vick either must lead me to a championship to repay me for his evil and breaking my heart, or, his legs snap off. Either way, I”m good.

You might think I’m selling my soul and my argument would be, “Mike Vick scored 29.2 points more than Vince Young did on Sunday. 29.2 points also happens to be the precise value I’ve placed on my soul. Isn’t that a coincidence?” Exactly. I told you I have a problem.

That’s it, people. Just so you know, MayoPie is a mean bastard. So you could come back and be all, “Oh, nice job on Tolbert. 1.5 points. You’re an idiot.” This, of course, is your right. Just keep in mind I will come at you like a raging flood, call into question your every relationship, moral character and execute a multi-pronged attack aimed at all that you love. Don’t be afraid to tell me about the good ones, though. Good luck.

Source

[photo: Kevin Cox]

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