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Hello. I just want to note that, while writing this, I’m suddenly compelled to conceive a fantasy league for the television show Hoarders but I realize the only way to do it would be to have dead animals score negative otherwise people would want to see dead animals and that’s just fucked up. Sickos.

Instead, I’ll put my noteworthy players in terms of another reality show, this time, the relatively-benign Dancing With The Stars.

The Good: Jennifer Grey Of course she’s good at ballroom dancing. She’s Baby from fucking Dirty Dancing, yo.

• Arian Foster (HOU, RB) I don’t condone whatever behavior got Foster benched in the first half of Houston’s win over Oakland, but I can appreciate what he did when he did see time. The running back rushed for 131 yards and one touchdown, and caught a touchdown, as well. Just think what he could have done with two full halves.
• Antonio Gates (SD, TE) The Chargers worked the Cardinals, with Gates contributing two touchdowns on seven catches for 144 yards. With Sunday’s stats, Gates became just the seventh NFL tight end to have 500 catches.
• Peyton Manning (IND, QB) Week after week, Manning proves he’s consistently the best in the NFL. This week, he threw for 352 yards and two touchdowns in a heartbreaking loss to Jacksonville.

See also…Kurt Warner. Yeah, he’s pretty good at both ballroom dancing and football.

The Bad: Michael Bolton You’d think that maybe being a musician (albeit a no-talent assclown musician) would give Bolton some semblance of rhythm or musicality, but he was just fucking awful. So were these guys this week.

• Michael Vick (PHI, QB) Dog tails everywhere wagged enthusiastically when Vick went down with a rib cartilage injury in the second quarter of yesterday’s loss to the Redskins. Although no bones are broken, he’s day-to-day and will probably miss time. Karma’s a bitch, Vick. Sorry, Mayopie.
• Jay Cutler (CHI, QB) Oooh, this one stung. Cutler threw for just 42 yards, no touchdowns, and an interception before leaving Sunday’s Bears-Giants game with a concussion after being sacked NINE FUCKING TIMES IN ONE HALF.
• Chris Johnson (TEN, RB) No touchdowns, only 64 total yards and a fumble. He’s really screwing over fantasy owners this season with his sporadic play.

See Also: The Situation Oh, come on. You didn’t think he was going to be good, did you? It doesn’t involve misogynistic musings on the social behaviors of his roommates

The Surprisingly Awesome: Audrina Patridge Look, I get that people want to dismiss her as a vapid reality star with the personality of a bookshelf, but she can really dance. It’s cool to see people who’ve gotten famous for doing nothing actually do something. But, yeah, that last part doesn’t apply to these players. They just had exceptionally great weeks that might turn into great seasons.

• Kyle Orton (DEN, QB) FYI, this guy is from Iowa, but went to Purdue, so he can suck it, as far as I care. He is, however, one of the best surprises for fantasy owners this season. Orton threw for over three hundred yards this week against the Titans, with two touchdowns. He’s leading the NFL in passing yards this season, throwing 1,419 over four games.
• Shaun Hill (DET, QB) Yeah, right? Hill threw for two touchdowns and 331 yards as Detroit nearly upset Green Bay, 26-28. He also threw for two interceptions, and who knows how long he’ll be starting, but he could put up good numbers against Saint Louis next week if you need someone for a bye week pickup.
• New York Giants Defense The Giants D put the hurt on the Bears, especially Jay Cutler, he of the aforementioned NINE FUCKING SACKS IN ONE HALF, and also had two interceptions and one fumble recovery.

The White Russians were 1-1 this weekend, bringing my season records to 3-1 and 3-1. Not bad.

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