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During the negotiations in which the fate of my football is being determined, it’s clear that no voice of reason has yet stood out amongst the crowd bringing everyone to a collective agreement that all feel is mutually beneficial, so allow me to be that voice of reason. Again. Sheez. Little help? Anyone? You know when I’m gone this place is just going to shit, right? I know you know that I know that.

I’ll try to explain what’s going on here in basic legal terms and try not to confuse you with all the details, while still giving you an accurate analysis of the larger picture. It will be a pretty technical assessment of the intricacies of the negotiations, but as I said, I’ll try not to mire you in every nut and bolt.

Basically, the players are all, “Hey! We want more money!” and the owners are all, “Ummm… how much? Oh. That’s a lot. No.”

Was that as tiring to read as it was for me to write? I’m not even a paralegal or anything. I would like to be, but that’s a daydream in which I don’t have the time to get lost right now. I have a deadline.

I don’t want to take sides here, because on one side you have a bunch of large, angry men, and on the other you have the guys I tend to side with on issues like these.

I understand that NFL owners can make a lot of money. I know they’re rich and powerful and evil and all the rest (no offense, all of you except Jerry Jones). But, they invest hundreds of millions of dollars. They write the checks every week. How much money do the players invest? And don’t they get to do something they love for money that makes me vomit? Yes, they do.

When you drop a couple hundred million dollars on something, unless you are an Arab prince, it’s usually not just because you think it’s shiny. In fact, many who have lots of money have lots of money because they take smaller amounts of money and make them larger amounts of money. This is called “investing”, I think.

If NFL owners just wanted to watch football from an awesome suite, they could buy one of those luxury boxes and it would be waaaay cheaper than owning a football team. I see all kinds of people in those boxes who don’t own football teams (I’m talking to you, Jessica Simpson).

So here’s the solution. Obviously the fat cats expecting a “return” other than “entertainment” are the problem. Let’s get rid of them. Here’s how we do it:

The players should get together and buy the teams.

Bam. Thank you. I’m bowing, just so you know. Should I curtsy? Ok. Curtsying. Thank you.

All they’ll need is an accountant to pay the trainers, coaches, cheerleaders, groundskeepers, hostesses, hosts, those big fans that spray an icy cool mist on your neck, smelling salts for Tom Braidy, a legal fund larger than the deficit, publicists, and the countless other things that make a team function.

Here’s where the beauty kicks in: the money that’s left over, they can all divide equally. Bye bye, agents. You’re no longer needed. The players are now just going to equally split the proceeds, because they stand together on shit like this. Even if they don’t split the proceeds equally, I’m sure they’ll easily determine who should make more, who should make less, etc. Probably through feats of strength or something. What I’m saying is that “fairness” will finally rule.

What happens when a football franchise no longer becomes a lucrative investment? Do they become less valuable? Do the people with hundreds of millions to invest look elsewhere? The fact is, the day the owners say, “We can’t afford this anymore,” will be an interesting day. Has it happened?

Let’s say I open a strip club. I might do so because I like watching naked women dance. My other reasoning might be to make some money. Now, I do like watching naked women do just about anything, but I don’t want to open a strip club. Let’s say I did.

My thinking is that other men (and women, awesome) like to watch it, too. This is a win-win. I get to sit in my posh office overlooking the stage behind a two way mirror and do the things I don’t like to talk about and I’m making money. It’s the American dream.

Now, let’s say Peytona and the rest of the girls realize that they are the reason the asses are in the seats, mostly because their asses are on display. I agree with this wholeheartedly, which is why, in fact, I had the stage built and the tasteful neon sign made at a considerable cost. That’s why I filled the bar with alcohol, so people can drink while they watch women dance naked. I hired waitresses and everything. I also had to employ two guys to beat the shit out of the multiple weirdos that climb on the stage and hump your leg, in addition to the thousand other things I do, like getting you out of jail and stuff. When I opened this place, it made sense at the time, but now I see it’s not nearly as profitable, so I’m just going to get a high speed internet connection and invest in something like butter futures.

I love football. Almost as much as I like women dancing naked. Not really, but I hope the two sides come to an arrangement. The players need the owners as much as the owners need the players, and I don’t think the players realize that right now. I would urge them to take some perspective and hopefully realize they are very well paid for what they do, all of them, and at some point, the owners will question whether or not it is worth it to them.

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