Approach to Coaching Boys vs. Girls

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Approach to Coaching Boys vs. Girls

I recently received a text message from a former student-athlete that I coached. Although he didn’t continue onto play collegiate men’s volleyball, I always knew his primary sport was hockey and that was what he was going to play in college. I was correct. His text to me was brief. It was filling me in on how his freshman season was going, but it was also to ask for a “pep talk”. He is going to get his first collegiate start this Friday. Just like his texts before this asking for advice or encouragement, I know that how or what I say to give him a mental boost is different than what I say to my female athletes. It’s the same message but how I go about getting my point across is very different. My approach to my boys has to be different than my approach to my girls.

I’m sure that a psychologist could explain the intricate scientific makeup and reason for having to talk to male and female athletes differently, but I’m here to tell you from my experience. I was a varsity volleyball coach for eight seasons: five with the boys, and three with the girls. I’ve also been an athlete on coed teams ever since I can remember. In my experience coaches get blamed much of the time for failures, as well as successes when in actuality it’s not the knowledge or talent of the coach but it’s often the failure to communicate their talent or knowledge. I’m quite certain that there have been some fantastic coaches in history but they didn’t produce great athletes or great seasons due to communication issues in their approach to their athletes. We will never know the “could have beens” or “might have beens” if only they understood that as a coach we cannot speak to our boys the same way we do our girls. They have different needs in order to accomplish the same goal.

I’m not talking about being nice, cordial, or empathetic to girls because they are stereotyped as softer; or yelling, cussing, or being tougher on boys because they are stereotyped to take it. I’m talking about simple coaching or giving directions. When instructing the different genders coaches have to be much more specific with girls than they do with boys. It’s not that girls deal with failure or rejection worse than boys do; it’s that they take it much more personally than boys do, so they try to prevent it on a much more emotional level. Boys can typically understand or at least will attempt your directions the first time. They are very literal, but will do the job you tell them and nothing more. Girls on the other hand constantly ask “why” and seem to need to play the “what if” game. They tend to ask about every possible scenario that could occur before they try your instructions, during the task, and even what to do afterwards or in reaction to the outcome. Girls’ minds are two or three steps ahead visualizing what could happen instead of seeing themselves complete the task; while boys’ minds are visualizing themselves actually doing the task. Dare I say, I sometimes think that’s one of the reasons why boys are more often the stronger athletes. It’s not necessarily a fault of the female athletes. It’s that they want to know the point or the final goal, so that if the play breaks down they know what the end result is that they were supposed to be attempting, that way they could try to finish somehow. For example, if I told one of my boys to “Go up and hit the ball down the line”. He would say, “Okay” and just go up and hit the ball, aiming for the line. However, if I were to tell one of my girls the same thing, I get a variety of “what if” scenarios. She will ask what to do if the set is off-“Should I just dink it then or free ball it over? Into the middle or push it deep? Or what if I go up and they are blocking line, should I go cross or dump it?” I could come up with a bunch more that I have heard when I have tried to tell my girls to “Just go up and hit the ball down the line,” but my point is still the same. Girls need to know what the final goal is so that if something goes wrong they can make an attempt to still finish somehow to the same ends, while boys see the short term goals and end there.

So as a coach, as long as you are aware that boys are so much more literal and girls will question, not because they think they know more than you, but because they are looking at the final outcome; you will be able to communicate much better. Girls also tend to explain to their coaches what they were trying to do, which is often mistaken as making excuses or talking back. Actually, they are trying to simply explain to their coach why or the purpose of what they did in hopes that you can offer them some direction on how to complete the task or see the game correctly. Understanding that girls will also continue to play until that outcome is met, versus boys who do the task you directly asked and stop, should also help you to instruct your teams more accurately.

Oh, and as far as the “pep talk” that I gave to my former student-athlete about his start…I’ve sent him mental and emotional quotes to focus on each day this week because I know my athletes well enough individually to know that he is one who needs that sort of built up for his confidence, especially as a freshman. I’ve told him to remember that the other team has no idea what he is capable of, and that they should be intimidated by him. I’ve told him to expect every single puck to be a shot on him, if he does that he will always be ready. I’ve reminded him of what he can do and how many people believe in him that it’s about time he believes in himself. I’ve made sure he knows that he owns that goal, it’s his house and he controls what’s between those pipes.

But just before he skates out, I’ll simply tell him to “Kick Ice!”

-SB29

@PrincessPunish

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There are 4 comments on this post. Join the discussion!

Yvonne says:

Your post is both profound and intelligent. While most of the blogosphere and even main stream media types are hyper-focused on the Vonn SI cover, yours is a piece that could serve coaches well across the entire sports spectrum; and could benefit many teams while advancing the female athlete's "credibility" factor, if you will. You point out so well a major factor that causes so many females to feel misunderstood.

I just read an article pointing to this same thing as a reason why there are significantly more female grad students than males - girls are more verbal than boys, and in education at least, it's a major advantage. In sports however, well . . . I believe you've hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 at 8:05am EST

Dr. Nicole M. LaVoi says:

I would caution against making broad generalizations about coaching by sex of athlete (i.e., "all girls think like this", "all boys do that"). Boys and girls are much more similar than they are different, and have the same needs according to a major psychological theory-the self-determination theory [http://www.psych.rochester.edu/SDT/theory.php]. We all have the same needs: the need for autonomy, the need to feel cared about and feel a sense of belonging, and the need to feel competent. I would agree however that the ways in which those needs get met vary, not so much by sex of athlete, but by the individual. The great thing is that when all 3 needs get met simultaneously, intrinsic motivation is more likely to occur. To read more about the SDT theory and how it applies to coaching here is a link http://nicolemlavoi.com/2009/10/17/lavois-3cs-of-effective-coaching/ I love this theory and use it all the time when I coach and teach.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010 at 8:28am EST

pov says:

I'm a girl sometime. Umm . no not really but I do sometimes respond to "directions" the way you described girls responding. So I agree with Dr. LaVoi's comments about it being more of an individual thing. That said, I do find I accomplish easier and more consistently when I'm responding in the way you describe as that of boys.

Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 12:24pm EST

GameOnSportGirl says:

Post and comments are well taken. I will add that from my experience with coaching both boys and girls, I never thought to distinguish by gender. Rather my goal was always to get to really know my players so that I could tailor my communications appropriately. Boy or girl, I conveyed to each according to his or her needs. And it never ceased to amaze me how some needed so much while others were satisfied with a pump of the fist and minimal instruction. I guess the bottom line here is that the best coaches are effective and strategic communicators.

Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 4:30pm EST

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