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Hey All,

If you are anything like me, then you are glued to the t.v. and internet watching USA championships. This is my favorite time of the year!

Today was amazing to see Kara with a new American record in the women’s jav as well as some others with big PR and just overall great performances. I would really like to congratulate Kara on all her hard work and hope that this opens up more and new possibilities for her (since I know she had some frustration with not getting into meets she wanted and was NOT the recipient of the Project 30 money from USATF even though now her picture is magically on the Project 30 page of USATF http://www.usatf.org/groups/HighPerformance/ lol .)

But anyway, onto my thoughts of this season and thoughts of my competition tomorrow.

Self Reflections:

The last few weeks have been good for me, building into this moment right here. I’ve spent some time cutting back on lifting and focusing my training, trying to get the “old” Loree back and for the most part, my energy and strength is returning. My appetite has returned too after a month of forcing myself to eat soup because I just couldn’t really eat.

My practices have been getting back, feeling closer, feeling like I have more energy and feeling that energy moving through my hammer. The heat is something I thought I could deal with and enjoy, but when it reaches 110 there just aren’t enough clothes to take off or water to drink. It’s just hot. We also cut back so much on lifting as we peak, I feel like I haven’t done anything when I’m leaving the weight room after only an hour and a half instead of the almost 5 at times during the winter.

Our training has been really fun as our energy grows. There has been a buzz at training the last few weeks as we prepare. We laugh and joke more. We even got in the most pathetic game of pool volleyball after training. I feel like I was literally on the short end of the stick as I was competing with Vikas who is 6′10″ 290, Kevin who is 6′6″ 315, and Dan who is 6′5″ 320. Suddenly my 5′6″ 182 (as of this morning) isn’t so intimidating!

But one thing that has been the best for me is what I playfully refer to as my soul searching. I’ve spent some time looking up, around, trying not to spend too much time looking back, but mostly looking at myself. The other week I was re-reading my blog from Olympics, remembering all the feelings I had experienced for the first time. I looked at video of me throwing through the years and found old pictures from school. (For the record, yes I weighed more in college than I do now and no I don’t appreciate someone looking at old photos and laughing at how fat I was. Yes, Chester, I am talking to you.)

This time thinking was good. I thought about why I loved hammer, why I threw, why I kept wanting to throw. I thought about my goals, why they were important to me, and what it meant to me about hitting them.

Darkest Before the Light:

After my body just physically crashed about 6 weeks ago, after the disappointment of not being selected for the Project 30 money, after being ignored or denied the opportunities to compete in certain meets, and not feeling like I was building on my success from the previous year, I really looked at myself to see where I was and where I wanted to go.

At that moment, when I was looking at my season, at my choices, feeling like everything was spinning out of control, that is when I stopped being the victim of circumstances at that moment and became the victor. That is when my throw, my destiny became my own. I know it sounds funny that at the darkest part of my season, the most frustrating part is when I would became the most confident. Why? How?

Well in my last post I talked a lot about fear. I had become so fearful of making a wrong decision, taking a wrong step, of failing, it had become paralyzing. When Stewart wasn’t coaching full-time, I was scared where I would go, had no idea where I should live or with whom I could train. When I didn’t sign any contracts or have the sponsorship to pay for my most basic bills, I feared where the money would come from and feared working multiple jobs again. When I wasn’t PRing and breaking the AR in March, I feared that I would be dropped from development, that I wouldn’t get any sponsorship, that I would not get into meets or get funding. I was afraid almost every major decision I was making might be the wrong decision.

Silly I know. People see me and think, there is someone who has their stuff together, when really, I tried to fake it until I made it.

I have had successes, a good amount with my distances, making teams, winning championships, and yet I was still afraid to fail, that it wasn’t good enough yet.

So that’s why this year was good for me. It was a year I faced my darkest fears.

1. I completely changed throwing coaches and lifting programs and moved across the country to a town where I knew no one and have no friends. I made the decision and did it.
2. I over-trained physically learning the limits of my body and pushing it over the edge, and I survived. I’m coming back and I’ve learned for next year.
3. I didn’t get the Project 30 money or any other major sponsorship deal, and yet I’m still throwing and currently only a little in debt thanks to USATF Foundation, my club NYAC, and all the great support I’ve gotten for YOU.
4. During the middle of my metabolic/nervous system crash I competed and threw marks I threw my junior year in college 7 years ago. I threw marks that hurt to know that was the best I had that day and yet, the apocalypse didn’t come. The earth abides.
5. I changed coaches with two VERY opposite coaching styles and methods. I went from being told “wind at this exact degree while standing at this angle” to “try to feel the connection on the start better.” And even though it was a ROUGH transition, in the end, though it has taken me this whole year to find it, I emerge with a throw of my own, a new respect for my own understanding and talent. I have more comfort and confidence in myself than I’ve had in years.

I went through all this and I’m still here. Not only that, but I still WANT to be here. Going through my worst fears, fears that have affected almost every decision I’ve made in my career, and coming out on the other side has given me strength and courage. I go forth from this moment without fear because I already know the answers to what I feared the most. I’ve struggled, taken steps back, fallen down, and yet I’m back up and still on the road to success.

Conclusion: Final Thoughts

I recently wrote an email to Doug Logan, it has yet to be replied to, but I know he is a busy man, but in it, I included a quote that I really enjoy.

“If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.”

For too long I have trained and competed waiting for someone to say that is good enough to deserve this or get that. I was waiting for USATF, for Nike or Adidas, for someone ANYONE to tell me I was worthy now or deserving. I was waiting for them to raise my price.

But I’m not waiting anymore. I know my worth and I know where I am going. There are those who are with me, believe in me, support me, and there are those who just don’t or don’t care. I am telling my worth, my value to this sport whether it be on the field or off (I’m the women’s throws rep in the AAC), no longer waiting to be worthy because I am worthy.

If you don’t want me to wear your name on my jersey, then you won’t have your name on the next AR holder. If you don’t want me throw in your shoe, I’ll break in another companies. If you won’t let me in your meet, then my mark will be seen in another. I am saying it now, but soon these will be actions. It starts as a thought, then becomes a word, and then finally an action.

I throw tomorrow and I feel good and confident. I watched Kara’s last throw and her excitement as she broke the American Record and I have rehearsed the throw of my own in my mind many times for many years. I’ve had some set backs this year, but I’m not focused on them. Every day is another step closer and tomorrow is another day.

Thank you to all those throwers, coaches, and fans out there who have sent me their support! It means so much. And good luck to those who are on journeys of their own. I know I get preachy at times, but I hope my experiences reach people out there and inspire them. (Or at least spare them my blunders! lol)

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This post is related to an event on our Calendar:

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• 2010 USA Outdoor Track & Field Championships

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