Well, I did it. I packed up everything I owned once again in the back of my Toyota Matrix and moved across three states, totaling almost 1000 miles, just over 15 hours of driving, and close to 14 hours of nonstop singing to my iPod. And I did it all by myself, driving, moving into my new place, everything… About four hours into my drive (after leaving at 4:45 am, I thought it might be nice to call my mother in case something happened that someone had an idea of what route I was taking and where I might be since I didn’t think of doing that before I left.) I had some great friends call and text me too to keep me company and check on my progress.

So, as I move into my new home with one of my best friends, Melissa (a friend I’ve known since 7th grade when we were at rival schools in the same positions of all the sports and later teammates at CSU), I look at what amounts to my life’s possession lying in disarray on the floor and in bags. I’ve moved across the country hoping that this will be the answer I am looking for with little more than clothing, hammers, and a handful of memories. I can’t help but view my mess as some sort of metaphor for my own life.

I have memories of CSU, my friends, my life, the success I had, having a plan and organization. It was nice because everything in my life had meaning and routine. I went to school, I went to practice, I went home. Everything had a place and I was happy because I knew what life was for me.

The same way with the stuff I own. In my old apartment, everything fit in its own place, I was comfortable. Now, I know that everything will fit in its own place here even though it is currently thrown everywhere until I decide how it will fit and where it will fit.

I remember how I fit into CSU back 5 years ago, I remember how I fit on the team, in school, with my friends. I worry now that I am trying to capture something that may not be here anymore. I am no longer in school, no longer on a team, and while my life hasn’t progressed in the sense of a career or family, my old friends’ lives have. Many of them have moved away, or the ones that have stayed have careers and families.

I need to find how I fit once again. I know how I fit before, but I know it will not be the same. My worries are different and I don’t yet have routine. I am not only thinking about how to train and focus on that, but I also beginning to think about the future and my career. For too long my life has been suspended while I do track and I realize now that it cant’ be like that. I feel almost like someone hit the fast forward button and I’ve missed out on five years! I don’t regret training and that is still the forefront of my focus, but I can’t ignore life!

I’m reminded of this as I have my first reunion with my family this past Sunday… The only question I get about my life (not even one question about my training because unless it makes money, they really don’t care) was what is my “plan” now. I try not be bitter knowing that no one really cares about track and have said as much. As I start to speak, I’m interrupted and the subject is quickly changed to something else but not before I’m reprimanded once again to get a “real” job before I get too old. Then we celebrated the visit of my cousin’s twins (who are in foster care because she is currently in prison for selling and manufacturing meth). It was better than some of previous visits when my grandmother, cousins, and aunt couldn’t bother to drive the 30 mins or walk the three blocks to come to my BBQ I made for everyone. Or my last visit down when I was told I wasn’t doing sh*t with my life and I think I’m too good because I went to college. (That argument happened because I encouraged my 19 yo cousin who hasn’t been to organized school since 3rd grade get his GED and go to college.)

But I digress and things aren’t that bleak, I’m a worrier as many of you know. I am taking my time to organize my stuff in my new room and familiarize myself with my new surroundings. Bedard and CSU is the same, even though the faces of the team are different. Melissa is a rock for more keeping me grounded as we’ve known one another for almost 15 years. I am working to find a routine in training with my coach and with my training partners. I am also looking at finding work to pay for this adventure of mine. (I have few things up my sleeve, but it doesn’t help that last year drained my savings and left me a little emotionally in the negative as well…). I am thinking about going back to school along side of training and I think that is the best move for me for now and for my future.

It’s hard, you know. People tell me that I’m brave or how great it is that I’m doing this, but I’m scared and I’m tired of being brave. I would like it to be easy, to have all the answers, to not have to feel like I am alone, and as much as I hate to admit it, I’m still looking for my family to be proud of me (instead of feel like that resent me for everything I do). God, I’m going to be 28 in a few weeks and I’m still worrying about my family’s approval and what I want to be when I grow up! lol

I still have a fire inside burning for track and I want it to materialize into my goals. And even though everything is somewhat familiar and it feels good to be home, it’s still different. I still feel a little out of step and like a stranger. I wanted to pick up right where I left off and I realize that was a little optimistic. But I suppose my life is still like my crap I have thrown around the room, all the pieces are here, I just need some time to figure out where they fit.

All the pieces are here for me to be a medalist in the hammer, I have the drive and the talent, I have a supportive and knowledgeable coach, supportive training environment, friends and training partners. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have the recipe right! Here’s to hoping this is the place to help me not only fit together the pieces of my life, but also my training.

Good luck to all your training and to those who are also trying to fit the pieces together!

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