Final Thoughts Of 2010

At the end of another year, I always review things. I review track, I review life, I use it as reflection in ways. I’ve taken probably too harsh a stance on 2010 being a disaster in many ways. I guess coming off a 2009 PR and getting really excited for a change of pace and to build on success for 2010 and it not happening, it was easy to be negative, not to mention where it left me financially scrapping since returning home. I always want more out of life, out of track and to feel like anything less than that, I considered failure. I felt like I gave everything I could doing a 180 in what had given me success in the past (a giant leap of faith in many ways financially and certainly physically), but obviously did not get out what I had hoped. Not to say it wouldn’t work for others, but not the direction I needed at this point in my life. But everything is a learning experience and you can always take positives out of everything. 2010 is ending and with it my dwelling on what I could have, should have done. :)

End of A Silly Hope:

With 2010 died this quiet hope I had been carrying with me all this time. I guess even in the back of my head, I always thought things would get better for me. I assumed if I did something big enough, then people would care, then I would get more help, then something would change in my life for the better… I thought if I do this, I will get this help, then it will allow me to do this, and then I will have everything I wanted out of this sport/life. I was perhaps a little too optimistic.

The last few weeks (hell months), I discovered that pursuing this Olympic dream has not built up the best resume and employers don’t care to hire an Olympian (at least in the fields of minimum wage I’ve been looking). I’ve discovered it isn’t any easier to motivate yourself alone especially when you feel the country/organization you try so hard to work for DON’T CARE. There aren’t a lot of handouts, nor should you feel entitled to received any, there are no entitlements in this world. You choose to walk this lonely path and with it the consequences… but also, you will learn more, see more, do more than if you took the easy way out.

I realize, perhaps a little late in my career, there isn’t some secret help out there, people lie, and USATF isn’t in the business of helping struggling athletes. I mean, I went to annual meeting this year and one of the top sprinters in the world shared the reality of the help he gets and how one injury or off year and everyone assumed he retired and forgot about him (top 5 in the world and is getting $15,000). I guess it changes the perspective that all runners and sprinters are getting way more than us. Even some of the top throwers in the world really aren’t getting more than shoes from the shoe companies.

Track and field came out and said this is who they are helping this year. Tier 1: top 8 in the World/medalist, Tier 2: top 20 in the world/ finalist in major comp, and Tier 3: immediate post collegians with A standard. I don’t think these people don’t deserve help, they do. But it does leave a large body in the distance/field unfunded. I know coming off 2010, I am not in any of their tiers. I know they will not help me this year. I mean it became obvious when the emails stopped coming for development. But at least I know. I foolishly have believed in too long in USATF as my savior out of a life of struggling.

But there is light. Some athletes have found ways to make money from the help of family and friends, alumni of their colleges or high school, companies outside the usual, and there is help like the work of USATF foundation that is doing a lot to directly help the athletes.

I got a few emails from a kid coming out of a DIII program with a national title and about 61m-62m thrower wanting to know how he can continue. I’m humbled that he would ask me, as I still feel like I’m figuring this out and often question if I did it wrong or backwards. My training partner who placed 3rd at USA’s last year with a 75m toss has a real career, a very nice home, a great family, and has put in about 1/3 of the work I did last year. I have nothing financially to show for my life, I have a car, but not a bed, in fact everything I own fits into my car and I currently am struggling to convince a minimum wage job to hire me… I don’t want to give advice because I don’t think my way is necessarily the right one. I made an Olympic team, I’ve gotten a NCAA title and record, I’ve placed in the top 10 in USA’s for I don’t know how many years, traveled the world… but at the end of the day, I live off the kindness of one of best friends. You choose what is most important and then decide if the 90% is worth the 10%.

Doing This For You:

I guess my melancholy rantings aren’t meant to discourage, but I think having an accurate understanding of the reality of this sport (or any women’s sport) is important. We can’t force people to care about something they don’t care about. Sorry. Only a small percentage of us will be able to make a living (any sort of living) from this sport. We are not entitled to anything. Many people are amazed that all I got from USATF for making the Olympic team was health insurance for one year.

If you want to follow this lonely road, find a better reason than fame or riches. Though I complain about my life and only occasionally cry and dry my tears on my dog, I choose it. I choose it everyday I wake up and put on my throwing shoes, every time I look at my workout and know I will hurt and sweat, every time I stay home instead of going out with friends, every time I delivered a pizza because it worked with my training time better than another career, every time I choose to pay for a plane ticket to a track meet or buy a pair of throwing shoes rather than get my hair done, eyebrows waxed, or buy a new outfit.

I continue to do this for me, to experience a life I will never be able to do again, to see things that many people could dare to dream about, to learn about what I am made of. I ask my body to do things I never thought I could, I learn my limits and continue to test boundaries. And even if at the end of this I didn’t reach the moon I was aiming… at least I made it to the stars.

I’m still human, I still feel anger and feel jealousy over those who get more and have done less or to feel like I’ve been slighted or cheated, but I move on, I learn.

When you choose this life, it isn’t just avoiding work and just having fun training it competing. There are sacrifices and struggles. You will give more than you get at times.

I hate being broke. I hate Christmas and feeling like an ass because I can’t afford to buy anyone anything to show them how much I appreciate their friendship and how much they mean to me. I hate that I feel like there are more reasons and people telling me to stop than encouraging me to keep going.

But there is only one voice that you really need and that’s your own. Don’t put your faith in people or organizations as they can disappoint. I guess that’s the advice I have for those wanting to come into this life.

My training is going well. I’m fit, I’m healthy for the most part, I’m throwing pretty far for this early in the season. I’m smarter and more experienced than I’ve ever been. I have a coach and training partners that care about me as thrower and person. My family (though crazy dysfunctional) are here. I’m ready to go for 2011, I may even change my last name to Ever and first name Greatest (okay, I stole that from the Forever lyrics). But I am focused and ready for a comeback (though I never really left) lol

I may be broke but not broken yet.

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• Track & Field, Sports

This post is related to an ongoing story:

• 2010: the Year in Review

There are 5 comments on this post. Join the discussion!

mmahotstuff says:

great article. i can speak for at least myself when i say track and field is a complete unknown to me and i have no idea what the financial opportunities or implications are. but from the sounds of it almost in line with MMA (and that i have a pretty good understanding of).

"doing" whatever your passion is - is what life should be about. if more people were truly chasing their dreams i think the world would be a happier place in general.

keep the focus and good luck!!

Thursday, December 30, 2010 at 11:49am EST

robm says:

Loree: This is a telling, doubtless heartfelt piece. Reading it, I understand the temptation you have to despair. But the piece ends in a way consistent with who you are: a strong woman. You should be proud of all that you have accomplished. Moreover, you have done and seen much already in life thanks to your athletic gifts. Unfortunately, life often deals in trade-offs; thus, you have also paid a price.

Hang in there and good luck!

P.S. - I have no doubt that help is on the way.

Thursday, December 30, 2010 at 2:10pm EST

alilee05 says:

Great article. Your "melancholy rant" is something that many of us, athletes, are struggling with. I dare to say that especially up here in Canada, if you aren't on the ice hockey team, you are in this position. We don't do what we do for the money, riches and fame (because there is none) but we do it because we love to do it and we love the emotional and challenging rewards after winning, conquering a challenge or defeating ourselves mentally. Every elite athlete is driven by their inner competitiveness and passion to better themselves. Sure, it's not the greatest motivation when you can barely afford your rent or the right foods to drive your body but it is always there as a reminder. Every great athletes starts this way and it's unfortunate that more of those that have made it to the top aren't able to pull the rest of us along. It's a tough world out there and I've been told it is no career but most people who aren't athletes define a career based on its longevity, pay or amount of schooling to get there. Being an athlete sure as heck qualifies as a career and I think in your case, because I am in the same one, I think its nice to know that you aren't the only one out there. Keep running. Keep pursuing. I can't support you financially but together, as athletes, we are all competing together :) Best of luck.

Thursday, December 30, 2010 at 2:44pm EST

Jewell06 says:

Loree, I hear you and I feel you and it's great to read all the reviews but better yet, why don't we start doing something about it. If you are a student going to college even in your late years you have an opportunity to apply for grants, loans, private funding etc. why doesn't the same apply to athletes who chose professional sports as a career. Without funding these talented athletes will not be physically ready to compete on world wide stages, which is a terrible disgrace and a huge embarrassment to our country. These athletes are competing for America, and they should be supported to do so. It is time we bond together and get legislations passed whatever it takes so that athletes can get the help they need to represent our beautiful country. Being a professional athlete is a career same as being a lawyer or a mechanic and the same principles should apply.

Thursday, December 30, 2010 at 7:52pm EST

Trkgal08 says:

It's hard out there. I have friends in so many different sports who are going through the same things. But ultimately, I think there is something strong and we come out stronger in the end by doing this for the love rather than pay. I have professional football friends whose motivation is money who are appalled at the idea I do this as much, as hard, for basically nothing. Women's sports are always evolving, from the time we fought to be allowed to do them, to now that we fight to continue being able. Thanks for the positive words everyone and keep up the good fight!

Saturday, January 1, 2011 at 10:43pm EST