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Nationals…

On the surface another disappointment. I went and under performed and am left with a sense of bewilderment as of what happened. I was flat and slightly off timing but everything was so good leading up to the meet. I still have some meets left to go, so I compartmentalize things so I’m able to continue on with what I think will be a good season. I’ve had too many things pointing to great to give up now when I feel so close to finally making that jump. After all, three throws of the thousand I’ve taken this year will simply not define me as an athlete or what I’ve done this season.

I have this reoccurring dream. I’ve had it for years and I dreamed it the day before USA championships. I’m always going somewhere to throw and am really excited for the competition to throw far. I’m primed and ready, but there is always something stopping me. Sometimes the ring or field is under water, sometimes I show up too late and they will not let me throw, I don’t have shoes, one time there was no circle and only grass and I couldn’t get my turns. This time, the dream I had that night, I was in a corner of sorts and high walls lined the circle and it was a very tight fit maybe 3 or four feet wide. I was trying so hard to throw but couldn’t because the hammer would hit the wall. It was very claustrophobic. I finally stood in front of the area I needed throw and caught one, only to be told it was a foul because I was not inside the very tight walled circle…

Not sure what the reoccurring dreams mean exactly. lol I could take a guess. I know there is more inside me. I feel it, I see it, but it feels like something is always there stopping me. Sometimes it’s energy, sometimes circumstances, sometimes injury, and maybe it’s me… It’s been an uphill battle for so many years with training,personal life, financing, working, injuries… I just would like one year to be good. I don’t want everything to have to be a fight. All I want is to do exactly what I’m capable of doing, and everything in my being tells me that distance is far enough for a medal, far enough for the American Record…

Thoughts on This Year:

I’ve said it many times this season was a rebuilding year. It was. I was healing my body and trying to get back my swag as Kibwe likes to say. I’ve made a lot of improvements even if they haven’t always been apparent in distance. I’ve got a steady job and even have health insurance, I have my coach Brian Bedard and my training partners such as Drew Loftin, Brian Trainor, Casey Malone, and even Liz Podominick comes down time to time. I have access to CSU’s training facilities and am even working with a great strength coach, Sam Lewis, who is very knowledgeable and attentive. I’m fitter and faster than I have been in years past. I’m competing at 15-20lbs lighter than my previous seasons with an increase in strength and power. My weight throw is the best it’s been in years and my 5k, 4k, and 3k have all improved in training from years past.

So there are a lot of positives. This year was getting used to all new changes, so some timing issues came into play. When I started my new job and suddenly was working 40 hours a week starting the outdoor season and unable to train regularly or see my coach also played into effect of the less than perfect outdoor season. Things outside the track have been a roller coaster and escalated significantly right before US nationals. I already know when I’m happy and secure in my life, my throwing is that much more strong and more consistent.

I think things will have settled and this will be better going into the Olympic year. But I’m glad to have this year to work out all the bugs and prepare for next year.

The Show Goes On:

A thought occurred to me this year when talking with my coach. I was feeling so much pressure to throw far right away early in the season. I knew I’d taken a hit from the previous year and wanted so much for this year to make a statement. I was throwing to prove I still was relevant, I was throwing to quiet those who said I was finished or had other comments about me, I was throwing to quiet those (family and friends) who tell me to move on, I was throwing out of anger in many ways because of situations I felt were unfair. Every meet I went to, the purpose was to say something.

My thoughts were so consumed by this anger, distrust, disappointment, frustration, that I lost sight of many things. When I throw my best, it’s a beautiful thing. The joy of discovering something about the technique or myself is something I can’t describe. In fact, there are few people who can sit and listen to me speak about the hammer I’ve become so “hippie” with it.

I learned that you can’t fuel a throw on anger and certainly cannot fuel it on the fear of failing. When I finally let go of those negative feelings I knew I needed to replace them. I needed purpose again for throwing. My original purpose was always the joy of discovery, the joy of touching perfection, and the joy of seeing the deepest part of myself. There are few things we will every know in life that are real and finding the edge of yourself, finding what you are is one of those. Most people turn away from goals when they get hard and I seem to just dig my heals in deeper and keep pushing. Hammer is my peek inside myself… lol I told you it was hippie and I haven’t even begun!

Coming back home is a return to that. It’s a return to my purest motivation. It’s not for the sponsorships (though it would be awesome to have a shoe contract! ), it’s not so someone who will likely pretend like they don’t know my name to shake my hand and pretend we are friends, it’s not for glory from my family or friends as most have lost care in this dream or never understood it to begin with, it’s not even to say F U to all those who doubted me. It’s for me. It’s for me to see what I am made of and it’s for that tiny spark of inspiration that continues on long after I’ve retired my shoes.

So this season goes on and so does my training… I’ve put in too much work to simply run with my tail between my legs. Though the last few USA Championships have not come out as I’d like, I have nothing to be ashamed of because I have done all that I can do. There is no safety net in my life and I still continue. I am confident this will come through.

I continue to learn more about the hammer and myself every day, every year and that tells me that I am still growing as a person and as an athlete.

Next year in Eugene, OR the USA Championships will decide who will represent the US in Olympic Games.

I will be US Champion.

I will be once again An Olympian

and

I will be on the Podium

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